Today I booted up my old save of Earthbound. It was saved just after I beat Gigyas, 8/05/23. So the OST playing was Because I Love You.
I suddenly felt like crying. I don't have much else to say. This is really dumb, but last year was hell for me. The last time I'd played Earthbound was in 2022, when I beat it and Mother 3 in the span of a few weeks.
As of August 2023, I'd been dealing with a lot of awful stuff, some of it just my idiot brain trying to ruin my life again, some of it really awful shit happening in my life. So I made a promise to myself: if I could just.. stave off all of these horrible thoughts until I re-beat Earthbound, I could buy myself some time. Time to just not do anything, good or bad.
I beat it within a week and promptly forgot about my save until now. It didn't exactly work. I still ended up in the same ol' pit of self-loathing I'd been trying to crawl out of for weeks. There was an intervention. Earthbound was supposed to be a temporary distraction from all of that. So I just forgot.
Until now. I didn't like, visualize myself playing it or all the emotional beats in Earthbound when the music came on or whatever flashbacks music is supposed to induce in you, according to popular media. I just sat there for a while, listening to the song play. It doesn't inspire anything in particular. It's just comforting. After the action-packed game, there's simply nothing left to do but sit and reflect.
I haven't played many other RPGs from this time period (other than Chrono Trigger), but man, earthbound is really special for those Coffee break bits and the ending romp. I ended up getting more teary about those after I played and came back to it.
Right now, everything feels uncertain. All the worries, fears, anxiety I had last year are still here, and they've gotten worse. I've just gotten better at coping. If I was dealing with a fraction of this last year, I would have just given up on the spot.
Yet, I push on now. Why? I feel so hopeless about everything, the future, going to college, everything. All my attempts to try and carve out a path for myself, work on future career stuff, have ground to a halt or exploded in my face. I do all the stuff I'm told to do to cope, resolve, move forward, and yet nothing budges.
This song provides me with comfort that I don't have right now. I wish someone would imbue me with the sense of 'unconditional love' that this song does. Because you'll love me regardless of all the stupid shit I do.
I don't deserve it but that doesn't mean I don't want it.